Grief and loss: Coping with the loss of a parent

However much we anticipate losing our parents, when the time comes the complex emotions felt can take us by surprise.

Grief is a process that helps us adapt to loss or a major life change. It is a normal reaction that helps people recover from loss, let go of the past and accept a new reality. 

Everyone experiences grief in their own way. Feelings of loss and grief can be felt for a long time. They can also come and go.

Losing a parent

When we lose a parent it signifies a major change in life. If you have been caring for a parent with a chronic illness you could have been experiencing feelings of grief over many years. 

As your parent's level of functioning deteriorates mixed feelings of anger and grief can surface. Adult children often mourn the loss of familiar roles and relationships as they take on the responsibility of caring for a sick parent.

If you are caring for a loved one in an aged care home you could feel the extra burden of having to make major decisions or you could feel guilty for not caring for them at home as promised.

These feelings of grief can cause conflicting emotions and feelings of guilt. When a parent dies carers can feel a mix of relief and abandonment.

If your parent's health has deteriorated you may feel that you could have done more or wish you had done things differently. Watching a loved one suffer can make many carers "wish it were all over".

If a death is sudden it can also remind us of our own mortality. These feelings are all part of the grieving process. In order to move on in life it's important to acknowledge feelings of grief as they come. 

Common signs of grief

Everyone is unique and will experience grief in their own way. Grief often occurs in stages. Most people move through several stages of grief including denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance.

Feelings of grief can be intense. Grief is not an illness but it can affect our physical and mental health. If you are finding it difficult to cope with any feelings of grief talk to your doctor.

Common signs of grief include:

• Crying
• Lack of appetite
• Lethargy
• Anxiety
• Difficulty sleeping
• Disinterest in routine
• Feelings of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Forgetfulness
   

During this period you may also have the responsibility of making major legal and financial decisions.

Whilst this may distract you from your own grief it's important to take the time to grieve and talk to people about your own feelings. This can be hard, especially when you are busy caring for a surviving parent.

Getting help with grief and loss

Losing a parent is a major transition in life. If you have been a carer for a long time it could take a while to adjust to your loss. Grief can take a major toll on your physical and mental health so it's important to get adequate nutrition, rest and exercise.

To help cope with feelings of loss and grief:

• Find someone you trust to talk to, avoid being alone and spend time with friends
      
• Try and express your emotions when they come
   
• Acknowledge that those feelings are a normal part of grief
   
• Avoid making any rash major decisions
   
• Tell your friends and family what you are feeling
   
• Do things you enjoy, take a walk, play music and look after yourself physically and emotionally
   
•  Contact a support group, counsellor or telephone a helpline
     

Over time most people move through the grieving process and learn to adjust and live with their loss. Sometimes feelings of grief can take over, especially when the death of a loved one is sudden or traumatic.

Whilst feelings of hopelessness or intense sadness are a part of grief they usually come and go. If these feelings are constant it could be a sign of depression. If you feel you are not coping with feelings of grief always talk to your doctor or a health professional.

References

American Hospice Foundation
Anticipating a parent's death
Accessed 18/03/10

Helpguide.org
Coping with grief and loss
Accessed 18/03/10