Dementia care: When a loved one calls repeatedly

"We used to talk on the phone all the time. As Mum's dementia progressed I found her phone calls annoying and intrusive. I didn't handle it very well, I used to get so worked up. Even anticipating her call made me anxious. Really I think she was just lonely and bored. In the end I had to get my sister to call her twice a day so she wouldn't call me. Sometimes it worked. The irony is now she doesn't know how to use the phone and I kind of miss her calls."

One problem that unfortunately causes a lot of frustration for family members caring for a loved one with dementia is the often frequent telephone calls. Some people with dementia live alone. They may call you at unexpected and inconvenient times, over and over again or for no apparent reason.

Dealing with repeated phone calls can cause an enormous amount of stress for the whole family. It is not unusual for carers to come home to find several confusing phone messages on the answering machine. Sick with worry you call your mum back only to find she has no recollection of calling you and she's surprised to hear your voice.

Figuring out if a parent's distressing late night call is actually a medical emergency can be difficult, especially if you live far away. Many caregivers feel a mixture of guilt and anxiety. You can't be there all the time but you can give a person with dementia a little comfort over the phone.

It can help to remind yourself that people living with dementia can get lonely and anxious. They may call you for an answer to something that's troubling them or they could have a real problem but can't explain it.

If a loved one is having trouble communicating their thoughts you can often find yourself having a one sided conversation. As frustrating as this is, try to remain positive and give some reassurance. If you allow yourself to get uptight they will pick up on the tone in your voice, become even more anxious and decide to call you back.

Instead just keep it short by describing your day and not asking any questions. Alternatively you can get a second phone line and leave your parent a positive personal message for those times when you don't feel like answering the phone.

As annoying as it is the telephone may be some people's only connection to the outside world. One day they may just forget how to use it.